Tony flew out in the middle of the night on Friday-Saturday. When he was still showing up in LA on Saturday night I started really worrying that he actually flew out early. By Sunday night it was abundantly clear that he flew out early. Here I was at home absolutely stressed, anxious, literally afraid, overwhelmed, in physical agony from the most painful period I’ve had in a long time. And resentful about the entire trip. Resentful because the unearned luxury and audacity Tony has to book these long trips when we have no money and I have complained nonstop about how I haven’t actually had a vacation since I was like 17, unless you count our elopement. I didn’t even get a fucking honeymoon. But I don’t matter. Fair doesn’t matter. Tony only thinks about Tony: what makes Tony happy, what Tony thinks he deserves, how Tony justifies spending money on himself while simultaneously driving us into enormous debt over and over again. Even going to get his hair cut feelings incredibly selfish while I’m using boxed dye and cutting my own hair for the last decade. I just really feel invisible. Invisible because not only does he not care what I might want or need or deserve and would rather just fill in those blanks himself (flowers I don’t like, notes saying the same empty things over and over). I am so sad that no one even told me congrats on graduating fucking college. I’m so alone. I feel so inept. I am not employable. I think about dying every day because going on like this feels impossible and I can not find a way out. And the one person who should see me has never seen me in his life. He’s too afraid or too disinterested to have a conversation. He isn’t safe to share with because he never hears me or tries to empathize. Its up to ME entirely to find the solutions, to find the answers, to beg him to work on our marriage and to provide him with the solutions, to micromanage every aspect of his life which is how he feels like he’s “helping”. It’s all just too much. Especially when its all I have left. This selfish ass trip is the last straw for me. And the leaving EARLY when I could barely stand – and of course not even noticing anything was wrong with me (not that it would matter or change his course of action) – I just see red. I told him not to come home. And then I took him off every shared thing we have. Everything I’ve thrown my blood, sweat, and tears into to try to make us a couple, to try to set it up so we HAVE to work together cooperatively. Fuck that. Fuck him.
His response to my anger is confusion because he says I’ve had his flight info the whole time which of course is true. I assumed his flight info correlated to his actual hike. It never once occurred to me to VERIFY that because who would do that? He had all kinds of excuses that just made me more angry. Like how an earlier flight would have cost him three times as much ON UNITED because he actually doesn’t possess the life skills to shop for affordable flights. Never mind that he told me he used points. And how he doesn’t understand why this would be a big deal to me. He literally pointed out that I don’t seem to want to be with him anyway which is true. But that also doesn’t correlate to why leaving two days early and LEAVING ME IN CHARGE OF HIS WHOLE LIFE when I can barely function is an asshole thing to do. It isn’t about wanting to spend more time with him ffs. I try to put myself into his head to understand how he sees things but it just makes me more and more convinced that he’s just a willful asshole. He isn’t “neurodivergent”. He’s just selfish and lives in this very narrowly defined world that revolves around himself. He will say he spends all this time taking care of me and the pets and the house but really that may be true to some extent on paper but the reality is that he’s checking boxes like he always has. He has a routine: wake up, do work, make breakfast and feed me and the pets, do work, make dinner and feed me and the pets, do work, sit on my bed and watch me play on my phone which fulfills his need for “couple time” apparently, refill my water, kiss me even when I never reciprocate, do more work, sleep. He throws in the housework I set up on a rotating schedule and created an entire reminder system for him. Sometimes. And he’ll do whatever I ask him to do like a fucking slave. But there’s no US. There’s no ME. I’m entirely unseen. I could be sobbing and he would just ignore me, walk out of the room, or if he does ask me what’s wrong, he short circuits if I answer and has no idea what to do next so does nothing or walks out of the room. I am invisible. My needs, what I DESERVE, what I WANT – none of it matters because Tony thinks he’s doing all that’s necessary no matter how many times I say it’s opposite of what I want.
I have just hit my limit of feeling dead inside and ignored and disconnected. I don’t want to be playing relationship anymore. And I am simply exhausted from doing the efforts. I don’t want to do anymore efforts. It feels the least possible its ever felt at this point. I don’t even feel safe talking to him because I know it will just be ignored again. He will never see me. I need to figure out how to convince myself that it’ll never get better. Convince my heart. And then what? I can’t even live in THIS how do I find a way out when I feel like I’ve exhausted all efforts. Maybe the solution is that I need to move to Michigan, into my little room and just stay in there hibernating until I die.